optimism hurts everybody

I will write today b/c I have no one to express my feelings to. I am angry and upset. I feel the one thing that made my life a little nicer to live is gone. why should I feel optimistic about anything? the one sure thing I had my mine set on is gone. with little faith im minimized to nothing, b/c thats what i am to most ppl.. nothing. I dont have friends anymore b/c I became a little wiser to realize its not fun to be with ppl who make you negative or just arent warm hearted ppl with little understanding. I find the one person who i can relate to and who has also become my biggest challenge. He is my heart, he is my goal, he is my future, he is my everything. i just feel like sleeping and not ever waking up. on the way home I kinda forgot i was driving and got too close to some ppl at times. I dont find security in my best friend anymore and I regret many things. i envy anyone who has some form of happiness or love in their life b/c i realize that ive never had anyone and when i actually do they never want me. No one has faith in me that I am not a monster. No One.
it makes me angry b/c he doesnt realize that Im not a mind reader. I do not know when im doing something wrong. Im used to being a certain way, b/c ive always been alone. Ive never had real interactions with others and i enjoyed being with him, even when he had his moody days. I was angry at kera that day b/c i hate her. she has everything that i would love to have. and tells me i dont appreciate anything. she has a nice family and a guy that adores her, but yet chooses to cheat on him whenever its convenient b/c hes not good enough. I am just really angry. i cant explain it, it just comes out in the form of tears. I had plans for myself to improve my abilities and our relationship. I have plans for the future to be with this guy and what makes it harder is remembering all the little things he told me. He told me that he would love to marry me, just couldnt afford it right now.. told me that he loved me numerous times, and he told me he would never hurt me.
but there are many things i dont understand. I dont understand how he can say he is bored of me yet at the same time i drive him crazy. if he was bored you would think he wouldnt notice me. and when i told him I loved him. I meant it in every sense of the phrase. Even when i was mad at him I still loved him.. and although he has broken my heart i will still love him.
we both need some uplifting in the self esteem dept. b/c he told me if he were happier he'd be able to better deal with me. but being the macho closed person that he is, he needs to do things on his own, doesnt need help, doesnt think any of my ideas as worthwhile or beneficial to him. maybe if he were positive for once, he'd be out of his rut. But all I can do is watch him from afar and love him. That I will always do.